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Good Things Fall Apart

“If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.”
— Frank Ocean.

Okay. Confession time.

I always thought blogs were kind of stupid.

There, I’ll immediately clear up the hypocrisy hanging heavily over my keyboard. It wasn’t that I thought they were generally written poorly or that they were a waste of the author’s time, because they aren’t. I love seeing the time, effort, and creativity that goes into them. I just felt like there were so many nobodies out there writing blogs already that no one would have a reason to care about mine. So I won’t take it personally if you don’t. But I have a subject that’s heavy on my heart today that I don’t think gets enough honest conversation: getting dumped in your 20s.

Now, as much as I’d love for everyone to relate to and feel better after this, there’s a chance you may not. Wanna know why? Because breakups suck. Hard. And being the one getting dumped? Sucks even harder. Now, I’m not saying that you should feel guilty if you experience grief after a breakup that you initiated. It’s perfectly natural to mourn the loss of something that was a constant in your life even if you believe that losing it was ultimately for the best. But generally speaking, you have an advantage because you’ve had time to get used to the idea. Because breakups are rarely spontaneous, you’ve had weeks to decide what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. You’ve been able to put some emotional distance between yourself and the other person. You may feel— for lack of a better term— a bit of survivor’s guilt after the fact, but you’re most likely coming out the other side in semi decent shape. I would know, because that is the exact process I went through when I broke up with my high school boyfriend. It sucked, and I was sad for a little while, but I moved on. Therefore, this post is not for the dumpers.

Instead, this post is for those who have been blindsided by a broken heart. For the people who cried, “please don’t do this” with tears streaming down their face as their partner sat stone-faced and resolute across from them. For the people who sat up until 4:00 A.M. piecing together every little warning sign that they ignored until it was too late. This is for you.

I know every relationship is different and I won’t pretend to understand the details of yours. But pain is universal. And once you’re into your 20s and relationships start to carry more weight, the pain hits differently. I think the hard truths that I am still learning months after my unceremonious dumping can be taken to heart regardless of the finer aspects, so I have compiled a list of 6 of them for you:

1. You will experience all five stages of grief

You might experience them once, or you may cycle through them over and over like a nightmarish roller coaster with no end. Everyone copes with loss differently, but understand that it’s a serious loss and should be treated as such. There is no timeline for healing, and time will make things worse before it makes things better. Don’t shame yourself for “overreacting”.

2. You are losing way more than just your partner

The initial pain will come from that specific loss, sure. But real gut wrenching moments come when you realize that you can no longer sit down for a glass of wine with their mother or pet their cat that always liked to sit on your lap when you watched movies at their place. You can’t help plan his sister’s baby shower or join in family birthday celebrations anymore. Even if you somehow manage to, you will be on the outside looking in and that pain will cut deep. Even if you weren’t close with your partner’s family, you’ll miss picking up a shirt for them while you’re out shopping just because you know it’ll bring a smile to their face or calling them to relay a joke you heard at work earlier because they were and still are the person you want to share everything with first. Although you technically only broke up with your partner, you are being forcibly divorced from everything that their pretense in your life brought you. Steel yourself.

3. Everyone else’s relationships will most likely continue as normal

Sure, that seems obvious when it’s stated point blank. But it’s not until you’re hanging out with a mutual friend you used to go on double dates with and they’re droning on about how the necklace their partner got them for Valentine’s Day is the sweetest and most thoughtful gift they’ve ever received that you start to think about how unfair their happiness feels. Why does her partner want to make it work and yours didn’t? I’m not saying that this is a healthy or justified feeling, but don’t be surprised if it crops up. Life doesn’t stop for anyone, even you.

4. Everything in your life is going to find a way to remind you of that person. And I do mean everything

It’ll get to a point where all you can do is climb in your bed, put your face in your pillow & scream. It’ll feel like your own psyche is actively working against you until life is a living hell. “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins comes on the radio? The last time you heard that was the night your partner’s mom made spaghetti with your favorite homemade tomato sauce and you showed them the viral video where a fawn accidentally performs the drumbeat halfway through the song. Trying to decide what to wear to work tomorrow? Go ahead and push past your favorite green tank top that you wore on your third date with ripped jeans and braided sandals. If you and your (ex) partner do not live in the same town, you may even find it excruciating to drive through their city because of the memories. Although not everyone is blessed/cursed with a photographic memory like I am, it is amazing what our brains retain and throw back at us in emotional situations. Try to stay busy and make new memories to layer over the old ones.

5. You’re going to experience withdrawal symptoms

Yes, that sounds dramatic af. But when your life has been so closely intertwined with someone else’s for so long and suddenly it just isn’t, no part of you knows how to react. You cry, you get sick to your stomach, you can’t eat or you can’t stop eating. You lay in bed with shaking hands and a pounding head. In desperate need of a hit, you text them and ask them how their day is going. When they reply, it literally feels like a high. When they leave you on read after a few messages, you feel like an even more worthless piece of shit than you did before the conversation. But in your head, you’re already concocting more excuses to text them again. As pathetic as you feel, you’re not alone. Trust me on this one.

6. You could have moved heaven and earth to save your relationship, but it would not have been enough

I know, I know. All of us— especially those of us who tend to be hard on ourselves—- are thinking “if only I would’ve been less argumentative, he wouldn’t have given up on me”, or “if only I was funnier, he’s always making jokes and he rarely laughed at mine. Maybe a better sense of humor would’ve made me good enough for him”. But the truth is, it wouldn’t have. And the more you try to make it work, the more it will push him away. I can’t fully explain the logic behind why some people (especially men, it seems) are turned off by someone being 100% down for them, but it seems to ultimately come down to a feeling of disingenuousness (wow, that is a long word). The more you try to change things about yourself, the more disenchanted with you they become. & the more desperate you get to hold onto what you have, the more willing they are to throw it away. At the end of the day, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.

And there you have it, folks, a rather heavy first blog post.

But I truly hope it made someone out there feel less alone. As isolated as situational depression makes you feel, there are millions of people battling it in isolation together. Although it may feel like there is no light at the end of your tunnel right now, there will be someday. Stay tuned for a much more uplifting post about how I’ve coped with my feelings and made progress toward a renewed happy & healthy life 🙂

Much love,

Emily

P.S.- the title of this post comes from my current favorite song. Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpmeVNxZ-Ks

Happier

“Right here and now, choose happiness. When you find yourself stuck in a mood you don’t want to be in, ask yourself: “What would a happy person do right now?” Practice being happy. Act as if you are”. – Regina Brett

This week, I had an epiphany.

Well, that may be a bit of an over-exaggeration. But I did come to an important realization: I love coffee so much that every picture that I ever use for the rest of this blog’s existence will probably include it in some form or another. If I can manage to do that while keeping it relevant to the post’s content, I’ll be rather impressed with myself. I hope you all share my passion for pour-overs and love for lattes to some extent, because they’re here to stay.

Believe it or not, my zealous ramblings do have a connection to what I want to talk about today: finding all the little things that make us happy. If you read my post last week, there’s a chance you thought it was a rather heavy debut that didn’t offer a lot in the way of hope (if not, you can read it here). While I certainly think that there is a time and a place for grief and for simply meeting people where they are at in that sorrow with empathy, no one wants to stay stuck in that black hole forever. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things that have helped me through the most depressing period in my life– things that will hopefully help you, too.

1 . Get Creative

One of the most important lessons that took me entirely too long to learn is that EVERYONE is creative. Everyone. You don’t have to be the next Picasso to find your perfect outlet. If you can’t paint, draw. If you can’t draw, write. If you can’t write, play music. If you can’t do any of those things, you’re wrong. Whether you’re introverted or extraverted, detail-oriented or abstract, everyone has at least one creative outlet that they are drawn to. All you need is the confidence to start working on it. These activities help us make meaning from our experiences– especially the painful ones. I love to write poetry, and some of my best pieces have come from some of my life’s greatest trials. Curl up in your favorite spot, grab your favorite drink, and let everything inside of you pour out onto the notebook or screen or canvas in front of you. Remember, art isn’t supposed to be beautiful, it’s supposed to make you feel something– and whether or not you share your work with one person or a hundred, they (and you) will be moved by it if it comes from the heart. Engaging in something creative can give you a new perspective, help you find closure, and provide a much needed sense of accomplishment all at once. So what are you waiting for?

2 . Get Productive

Speaking of a sense of accomplishment, one of the best things you can do for yourself when you are sad is to stay busy. Although this is often easier said than done– laying in bed is the only thing depression ever wants to do– it will help your state of mind tremendously. Write out a list of chores and cross them off as you finish them. Clean out your closet and take what you no longer wear to Goodwill. Volunteer at your local homeless shelter (added bonus: helping those who are less fortunate really helps to put your own problems in perspective). Redecorate that room in your apartment that you’ve been unhappy with since you moved in. Start going to an exercise class– you don’t have to look far to find all the benefits that exercise holds for the body, mind, and spirt. I attended my first hot yoga class last week and I’m hooked, but find something that works for you. The aftermath of a breakup (or any painful experience) is the perfect time for you to focus on YOU. Make choices that make you love the person you’re becoming.

3. Get Nostalgic

NOT for your ex. I repeat, NOT for your ex. Heaven knows you spend enough time missing them. Instead, do things that make you feel like a kid again. You know, that elusive time in life when you had no responsibilities and your biggest problem was trying to figure out what outfit to dress your new Barbie in. I bought a pack of reusable crazy straws on Amazon for $8 last week and words cannot describe how excited I was to use them. It’s not often that we make the time to experience such innocent joy as adults. But there are thousands of options that cost no money at all. Spend an entire day in your pajamas. Build a pillow fort and watch Disney movies. Draw with sidewalk chalk. Run around your backyard at night catching fireflies. Jump on your bed until you’re breathless. Get a little bit of that carefree feeling back, even if it’s fleeting. You won’t regret it.

4 . Get Adventurous

As you might have gathered from the beginning of my post, I love coffee. So, naturally, one of my favorite ways to adventure is to visit hole-in-the-wall coffee shops and trying the most outlandish flavor on the menu. The idea for this blog was born in a coffee shop almost an hour from my house while I sipped a (strangely delicious) balsamic black walnut latte. But if coffee isn’t your thing, the possibilities are endless. If you’re not sure where to go, I’d recommend doing something outside whenever possible, as sunlight naturally boosts your mood. Go on a hike, a bike ride, or a jog through a park you’ve never visited. Take a day to go kayaking, fishing, or flea market shopping. If it rains, find a new hobby (pottery, painting, arcade game playing, etc.) or take a class on something you’d never even considered doing before (cooking, candle making, mixology, etc). It’s important to note that any of these can be done with friends OR alone– don’t be afraid to go on adventures by yourself.

5 . Get Social

Although this period of your life is a great time for self-discovery, too much time alone can worsen your depression. Humans are social creatures; we need interaction to be happy. If you’re coming off of a breakup, chances are there are some old friends you neglected during your relationship that would love to reconnect with you. Even if you aren’t, adult life gets busy and we often don’t make as much time for friends and family as we should. People are and always will be more important than things in your life, so make time for a mother/daughter dinner date here and a girls’ night out there. Whether you need a shoulder to cry on or a wingman at the bar, reach out to the people that love you and let them be there for you. The contentment that comes from genuine human connection will triumph over depression any day.

6 . Get (NATURALLY) Medicated

Disclaimer: I’m not talking talking about weed (if that’s your thing, you do you, it’s just not what I’m talking about). I’m also not here to prescribe antidepressants, because my bachelor’s degree in psychology in no way qualifies me to do so. However, I recently read about two supplements that naturally boost your mood: St. John’s Wort and omega-3 fatty acids. St,John’s Wort comes from the plant Hypericum perforatum and has been used for centuries to help combat depression. It is often prescribed in Europe for depression, but is sold over-the-counter in the United States. Although its effectiveness in clinical trials has not been overly strong, it has been shown to help moderate depression as much as a standard antidepressant called Sertraline and to help minor depression more than a placebo. I personally have been taking it for about a week and plan to continue, as anti-depression medications and supplements often take about 4-6 weeks to start working. It is important to note, however, that it is not safe to take with many prescription medications and you should consult a doctor before taking it if you are on any. Omega-3 fatty acids have also been shown to aid mild to moderate depression. Most Americans do not naturally get enough of them in their diet, so taking them as a supplement can increase certain brain chemicals that in turn boost your mood. Although more research is needed on the link between this supplement and depression, taking it certainly won’t hurt you. Regardless of the true effectiveness of St. John’s Wort or Omega-3 to ease depression, let’s be honest– the placebo effect is a real thing. If you’re like me and prefer something tangible to combat negative emotions as opposed to reading a self-help book, these supplements may help you feel better regardless of their true effect on your brain chemistry.

And there you have it, folks, a much more uplifting second blog post.

I hope this gave you the courage and the creativity to begin healing from whatever pain you are going through. Let me know in the comments if you try any of these tactics and how they worked for you 🙂 . Always remember that whatever you are going through, you are never alone.

Much love,

Emily

P.S. this post’s title comes from another great song. Listen here