“If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.”
— Frank Ocean.
Okay. Confession time.
I always thought blogs were kind of stupid.
There, I’ll immediately clear up the hypocrisy hanging heavily over my keyboard. It wasn’t that I thought they were generally written poorly or that they were a waste of the author’s time, because they aren’t. I love seeing the time, effort, and creativity that goes into them. I just felt like there were so many nobodies out there writing blogs already that no one would have a reason to care about mine. So I won’t take it personally if you don’t. But I have a subject that’s heavy on my heart today that I don’t think gets enough honest conversation: getting dumped in your 20s.
Now, as much as I’d love for everyone to relate to and feel better after this, there’s a chance you may not. Wanna know why? Because breakups suck. Hard. And being the one getting dumped? Sucks even harder. Now, I’m not saying that you should feel guilty if you experience grief after a breakup that you initiated. It’s perfectly natural to mourn the loss of something that was a constant in your life even if you believe that losing it was ultimately for the best. But generally speaking, you have an advantage because you’ve had time to get used to the idea. Because breakups are rarely spontaneous, you’ve had weeks to decide what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. You’ve been able to put some emotional distance between yourself and the other person. You may feel— for lack of a better term— a bit of survivor’s guilt after the fact, but you’re most likely coming out the other side in semi decent shape. I would know, because that is the exact process I went through when I broke up with my high school boyfriend. It sucked, and I was sad for a little while, but I moved on. Therefore, this post is not for the dumpers.
Instead, this post is for those who have been blindsided by a broken heart. For the people who cried, “please don’t do this” with tears streaming down their face as their partner sat stone-faced and resolute across from them. For the people who sat up until 4:00 A.M. piecing together every little warning sign that they ignored until it was too late. This is for you.
I know every relationship is different and I won’t pretend to understand the details of yours. But pain is universal. And once you’re into your 20s and relationships start to carry more weight, the pain hits differently. I think the hard truths that I am still learning months after my unceremonious dumping can be taken to heart regardless of the finer aspects, so I have compiled a list of 6 of them for you:
1. You will experience all five stages of grief
You might experience them once, or you may cycle through them over and over like a nightmarish roller coaster with no end. Everyone copes with loss differently, but understand that it’s a serious loss and should be treated as such. There is no timeline for healing, and time will make things worse before it makes things better. Don’t shame yourself for “overreacting”.
2. You are losing way more than just your partner
The initial pain will come from that specific loss, sure. But real gut wrenching moments come when you realize that you can no longer sit down for a glass of wine with their mother or pet their cat that always liked to sit on your lap when you watched movies at their place. You can’t help plan his sister’s baby shower or join in family birthday celebrations anymore. Even if you somehow manage to, you will be on the outside looking in and that pain will cut deep. Even if you weren’t close with your partner’s family, you’ll miss picking up a shirt for them while you’re out shopping just because you know it’ll bring a smile to their face or calling them to relay a joke you heard at work earlier because they were and still are the person you want to share everything with first. Although you technically only broke up with your partner, you are being forcibly divorced from everything that their pretense in your life brought you. Steel yourself.
3. Everyone else’s relationships will most likely continue as normal
Sure, that seems obvious when it’s stated point blank. But it’s not until you’re hanging out with a mutual friend you used to go on double dates with and they’re droning on about how the necklace their partner got them for Valentine’s Day is the sweetest and most thoughtful gift they’ve ever received that you start to think about how unfair their happiness feels. Why does her partner want to make it work and yours didn’t? I’m not saying that this is a healthy or justified feeling, but don’t be surprised if it crops up. Life doesn’t stop for anyone, even you.
4. Everything in your life is going to find a way to remind you of that person. And I do mean everything
It’ll get to a point where all you can do is climb in your bed, put your face in your pillow & scream. It’ll feel like your own psyche is actively working against you until life is a living hell. “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins comes on the radio? The last time you heard that was the night your partner’s mom made spaghetti with your favorite homemade tomato sauce and you showed them the viral video where a fawn accidentally performs the drumbeat halfway through the song. Trying to decide what to wear to work tomorrow? Go ahead and push past your favorite green tank top that you wore on your third date with ripped jeans and braided sandals. If you and your (ex) partner do not live in the same town, you may even find it excruciating to drive through their city because of the memories. Although not everyone is blessed/cursed with a photographic memory like I am, it is amazing what our brains retain and throw back at us in emotional situations. Try to stay busy and make new memories to layer over the old ones.
5. You’re going to experience withdrawal symptoms
Yes, that sounds dramatic af. But when your life has been so closely intertwined with someone else’s for so long and suddenly it just isn’t, no part of you knows how to react. You cry, you get sick to your stomach, you can’t eat or you can’t stop eating. You lay in bed with shaking hands and a pounding head. In desperate need of a hit, you text them and ask them how their day is going. When they reply, it literally feels like a high. When they leave you on read after a few messages, you feel like an even more worthless piece of shit than you did before the conversation. But in your head, you’re already concocting more excuses to text them again. As pathetic as you feel, you’re not alone. Trust me on this one.
6. You could have moved heaven and earth to save your relationship, but it would not have been enough
I know, I know. All of us— especially those of us who tend to be hard on ourselves—- are thinking “if only I would’ve been less argumentative, he wouldn’t have given up on me”, or “if only I was funnier, he’s always making jokes and he rarely laughed at mine. Maybe a better sense of humor would’ve made me good enough for him”. But the truth is, it wouldn’t have. And the more you try to make it work, the more it will push him away. I can’t fully explain the logic behind why some people (especially men, it seems) are turned off by someone being 100% down for them, but it seems to ultimately come down to a feeling of disingenuousness (wow, that is a long word). The more you try to change things about yourself, the more disenchanted with you they become. & the more desperate you get to hold onto what you have, the more willing they are to throw it away. At the end of the day, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.
And there you have it, folks, a rather heavy first blog post.
But I truly hope it made someone out there feel less alone. As isolated as situational depression makes you feel, there are millions of people battling it in isolation together. Although it may feel like there is no light at the end of your tunnel right now, there will be someday. Stay tuned for a much more uplifting post about how I’ve coped with my feelings and made progress toward a renewed happy & healthy life 🙂
Much love,
Emily
P.S.- the title of this post comes from my current favorite song. Listen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpmeVNxZ-Ks
Forever 21 